Life Quest (and other stuff)

I'm taking a bit of a break from 30 days of truth . I had a miscarriage this past Monday, so my mind is still mostly focused on that. I will get back to this life quest, but first I need to deal with death. I will however include 3 things to be grateful for: 1. An amazing husband. 2. Family, friends, my doctor and hospital staff for their incredible support. 3. And a beautiful, beautiful 2 year old boy.

What is 30 days of truth? My looks. Which happens to also be the one thing I find it hardest to accept a compliment for. I often get told I look pretty, or even beautiful. I say a simple "thank you," but in my heart of hearts the insecure little girl that I often still am shouts, "Lair! I'm fat, I'm ugly, I don't stand up straight!" [At least I don't stand there pointing out my flaws for an hour and a half anymore. "Thank you" is a huge improvement. Look, I even fought the urge the put - like me - in brackets after the huge ;) ] The truth, I am overweight, but it turns out that I never really was this hideous creature I took myself for, even clocking in at significantly higher than what I am now. At school I was convinced I was the fattest, so did I at college and later in the "corporate world."  Looking back I realise that my perception piled on quite a few kilograms. But still, even "knowing...

What is 30 days of truth? Someone I need to let go... No one. Everyone that I know or interact with somehow belongs in my life. They all contribute to who I am, and who I am becoming. Would it make my life easier to remove some of them from the equation? Sure, but this is a life quest. Part of that quest is to grow as a person, and having to deal with a diverse brew of people helps that growth. Someone I wish I didn't know... Angry-Hulk-Suki. I can remain calm in most situations, but I do have a temper on me. And when I snap, I snap big. Not something I'm proud of. Which is why earlier this year I made the resolution to not get angry. And, although I don't have a perfect record since them, I have managed to keep my cool more often than I would have and I have been able to keep Angry-Hulk-Suki in check. And that is something I am proud of. 3 Things to be grateful for: 1. Knowing many people who enrich my life. 2. Keeping my cool. 3. Oranges. Totally l...

What is 30 days of truth? I do wonder from time to time what happened to a friend of old. Usually this happens when I am somehow reminded of a time in my life where they were present, or I might be reminded of an event in my life where they were involved. Maybe I'm in a video shop and I see a movie title which takes me momentarily back to the first time I saw the movie and the people I was with. Then I would wonder, "what ever did happen to so and so..." But for me, that is usually where it ends. I don't even look them up on Facebook. I don't know who Anneri is, but she left an impression. I guess she really does not want to be forgotten, or maybe someone is trying hard not to forget. Cause the truth is, with today's tech at our fingertips, the excuses for not keeping in contact are getting thin. If we are not speaking/emailing/following each over on Twitter then we probably don't make sense in each other's worlds anymore. And if we ...

What is 30 days of truth? I am grateful to say that in my life there has only been one time were I felt a person really went out of their way to make me miserable. The scene: Girl meets boy, girl and boy likes each other, they date a while, girl ends the relationship, boy handles break-up with the opposite of finesse. For a couple of weeks I after my life was awful. I was taunted, sent threats and worse. He then did something really terrible and I guess he realised that the line to the dark side was well and truly crossed. I was left alone after that. This was many, many years ago. There was one other time where it is up for debate as to whether "hell" was what said party intended for me. But I'm not in the mood for debate. Then there have been moments when the actions of another made my life "hell" - or at least really bad. Usually though it was an unintentional side effect of a struggle they went through. And although not fun for me, eventually som...

What is 30 days of truth? This one is easy, but hard. I want to believe that my life would be worth living without an external factor like a "someone." Then again, I am extremely grateful that I have someone to share my life with. So, in case of a fire, hubbie and sprog would be the ones I grab first. The rest of you will have to be alphabetically :) 3 Things to be grateful for: 1. Hubbie 2. Sprog 3. Sprog that's on the way

What is 30 days of truth? Take someone's life. I never want to have to do that. 3 things to be grateful for: 1. Being able to be in the position to take part in the shoebox Christmas project, supplying presents to those who otherwise won't be getting anything for Christmas. 2. Not receiving a shoebox for Christmas, because I have family and friends that can afford to give me something. 3. Family and friends.

What is 30 days of truth? The list is long. Very, very long. But since I've just been to Tina's concert ( mentioned in day 4 ), I'm going go with music. I want to record a CD. And I want to do it myself. Maybe I'll get some help from my 2 year old... I play piano and clarinet and can bang a drum a bit and know at least three chords on the guitar, so with a little more practice (hubbie gave me a bass guitar last Christmas) I can cover the musical elements. (I'm not saying it's gonna be the best CD ever, just mine.) I've been writing songs since I was a teenager, but would actually like to compose a new body of work for this album. The dining room is now a music room (never had a table anyway) with microphones, midi drums, guitars (electric, acoustic and bass), keyboard and even, I kid you not, a tambourine. Everything is hooked up to the sound board and (admittedly not great) amp, so now I (read: hubbie) just have to add my computer and I can s...

What is 30 days of truth? Once again a tricky one... Once again not something I really prescribe to. I tend to forgive pretty easily. Cross me and my temper can flare up to super nova proportions in a matter of seconds (hence the August resolution of keeping cool, and that is going pretty darn well, even if I say so myself). But in an equally short time I'm usually over it. You say sorry, I say it's cool. We go on. Sometimes it means we go are separate ways since we cannot agree on the final outcome, but we go on. The problem is, I do not do so well with the second part of the well known saying. You know the one I'm talking about. Forgive AND forget. I am much more of a once bitten always shy kinda girl. I don't easily forget. Even when I truly accept your apology, I probably won't forget. Just to be clear, I'm not talking about things like stealing my parking spot or forgetting to record my favourite TV show. That I can put from my mind without s...

What is 30 days of truth?   Sitting here with my legs pulled up onto the chair, I have been mentally going through the (too long) list of "bad-things" I have done in my life. There are many things I would not do again if given the choice (e.g. not studing for matric finals). There are those things that I still feel guilty about (not regularly drinking my thyroid meds during my first pregnancy, turns out it could have had an influence on baby-development ). I really should have studied! Even though there are many things I still struggle with, I cannot think of a single thing that I haven't forgiven myself for. I've never really operated in the realm of needing forgiveness from myself. Others: yes, myself: no. But maybe there is something I should not forgive myself for. Something I should keep pushing for until I do something about it. And I think that is what I am trying to do, I just haven't found the words. Not yet. 3 things to be grateful for: ...

What is 30 days of truth? I love that I can get excited about the most ridiculous things. I can lie on my tummy and watch an ant, I can make a huge mess while baking, because I'm enjoying the feel of the flour on my hands. I am a sucker for funfairs and candyfloss and the circus. Ant! And what is even better? I now have a two year old boy that gives me license to stop and look at the butterflies, mess with my hands in the sand, or jump up and down explaining just how cool the latest Thomas-trains (as my boy calls them) are. Now I'm not the crazy lady anymore. Now, by seeing the world like an enthusiastic child, I am an involved mommy. Now that's what I call win-win ;) 3 Things to be grateful for: 1. Above mentioned sprog took a nap this afternoon and gave me time to get some more work done. 2. Had a nice chat on the phone with my mom. 3. Girly TV time tonight, while hubbie is out (though I'll miss him dearly).

What is 30 days of truth? As a woman-person it would be too easy to say, "everything!" But, if I'm honest (and this is supposed to be the truth), many of these general "hates" are actually "strongly dislikes." For one, I say "I hate my hips!" yet I eat a second slice of lemon meringue pie. "I hate my crooked toes!" but I walk barefoot regularly, toes in plain sight of anyone who wants to look. So, something I hate must be something I actually want to/try to change. Here it is: I hate that I can be extremely critical, sometimes on others; mostly on myself. Critical to the point of incapacitation. It is hard (and in some cases still impossible) to move on when I've come down this hard on myself. I do believe that looking at yourself and what you produce is necessary, if you can be constructive and use this to improve. But sometimes I just deconstruct and leave myself too afraid to pick up the pieces. I hate that. I want...

The year so far: January:   Being happy – more happy than not. February:   Sexy sleep wear – Well, at least the sleepwear is sexy... March:   Read squash rules – Done and playing. April:   Donate clothes   –   Done. About time for some shopping so that I can donate current wardrobe ? May:   Plant flowers – Did it. But not really doing well with other plants. June:   Figuring out “What do I want?” – First list done; will revisit. July:   365 photos challenge:   Currently on day 129 August : keeping cool (or: don’t get angry)   –Could be doing worse. September : be nice   – not too bad. October : listen, really listen   – this is harder than you might think. Now for November. Since we are getting closer to the end of yet another year, I decided to go out with a bang. I spotted the   30 days of truth   some of my blog friends is/was doing and decided to give it a go. This is quite a list and some of the que...

I admit I have been a bit quiet on the update front, in truth, I have been quiet on the blogging front as a whole, but here I am, and if you give me a couple of hours you'll see that I'm back, with avengeance... That said, let's get back to the business at hand, the 365 photos update. As I am nearing the halfway mark of the 365 photos challenge, I am both excited and disappointed. I am excited because some of the photos I have been taking with my cell phone are rather beautiful. I am disappointed because not all of my photos are beautiful. Some are downright awful. But I'm here to learn and (hopefully) get better. So here are my favourites since the last update: Day 71 - Crane. Pitty about the dirt on the car window it was taken through, but still pretty I think. Day 75 - Shadow Day 76 - Colours in fibre optics Day 88 - Field My favourite, favourite of this lot. Day 112 - S.w.ing! Pure happiness. Day 126 - Red flower One of those that...

I created this image about 3 years ago, but tonight it says all I have to say.

A pic of the sticker Cazpi sent me. A couple of weeks ago I was reading cazpi's blog and found an entry telling about the world wide moment . It perked my interest. So I quickly bounced over to the World Wide Moment website . It was settled. I would take part. From then on my life build up to that moment, the 10th of the 10th of 2010, 10 past 10 GMT or 10:10 GMT 10 -10 -'10. I had many ideas of what to take, where to go, how to make an impact. On the day however, we stayed home after a busy couple of days, and I decided to train my lens on my boy. And then the moment came and hundreds and hundreds of people around the world (day or night, depending where they are) took their cameras and pressed the shutter. And this was my result: My boy kicking a goal with his world cup ball. And at virtually the same moment, hubbie also clicked: You see, I really took the previous one...   :) It was almost magic. Knowing that for this minute I was part of ...

Nice!* I would like to think that I am a nice person. Yes, there are times that I am not moon beams and cheese curls, but in general I think I am nice. It seems however that being called nice has almost turned into an insult of late. In movies, the “nice” guy seldom gets the girl. “That’s nice” often is used as a sarcastic remark. “It’s nice” almost borders on meaning mediocre in day to day conversation. The truth – being nice is something great, something to aspire to. When did the world become all about standing ovations and gold medals? Why do we often feel there are no points for second best? And why do we believe that being nice is second rate? (I have a theory on why I sometimes fall into this trap, but I would like you to figure this out for yourself.) So let’s go back to basics, the dictionary. Here follows a few definitions of the word “nice:” pleasant or pleasing or agreeable in nature or appearance decent: socially or conventionally correct; refined or virtuous...

It was International Observe the Moon Night this past Saturday. Although threatened by clouds, we still managed to see the moon and show it to anyone interested. The moon as it was on the night. Taken with a Canon 350D prime focus mounted on 10inch wide, 1200mm long dobsonion  telescope, f4.8, ISO100, shutter speed: 1/8sec. The photo was taken by my hubbie. Read and see more about the InOMN on  www.psychohistorian.org  or the Cape Centre Facebook page .

This past Saturday there was a Moon-Venus occultation. There was no dark magic involved, it simply means that the Moon passed in front of the planet Venus, and therefore Venus disappeared from the sky for a while. Here in Cape Town we were ideally positioned to see this occurrence and hubbie and I was standing by with the camera. Venus moved behind the moon at 14:15 from the dark side of the moon, making it look like it just disappeared from the sky. About an hour and a half later it popped out on the other side. But, although seeing the occultation itself was very special, the fact that I could see Venus during the day was enough to get me excited. As a friend says, once you’ve seen it for the first time, you want to kick yourself that you've never looked for it before. The following photos were taken mostly by hubbie, with at least one (possibly two) by me. We used a Canon 350D attached to a 10 inch, 1200mm long dobsonion telescope (f4.8), no tracking (moved by hand from ti...

I had every intension of taking the time and improving my photography "eye." Being able to see the shot before it's taken and spot the good shot when I see it. Okay, so maybe learning that in a week or two is on the ambitious side, but I was hoping to at the very least pay attention. I didn't really. Somewhere along the line I got distracted with astrophotography, and my 365 challenge almost bordered on a chore every now and then. But that said, I still think I got a few pretty beautiful shots with my Samsung Jet cell phone. Here are my favourites of the past couple weeks: Day 39 - Absinthe makes the heart grow fonder - a staged shot Day 44 - Good morning, sunshine Day 46 - The streets Day 50 - Sunset Day 51 - The field I'm also very glad to have inspired Lee with this challenge. She has put her own, rather wonderful spin on it and you can find it at Ponderings from the Cape . The link is for Day 1, but she's almost two weeks into...

January:   Being happy – I am, you know. February:   Sexy sleep wear – Hubbie says the (very warm) teddy bear one is cute…Will get back on track. March:   Read squash rules – Done and playing again tomorrow morning. April:   Donate clothes - Done. Should probably sort the “maybes” now. May:   Plant flowers – Did it. AND the plant IS still alive. June:   Figuring out “What do I want?” – First list done; will revisit from time to time. July: 365 photos challenge: Still going strong August: keeping cool (or: don’t get angry) The truth is you already know this. My “ short version ” of the other day would have clued you in. But I do feel the need to expand a little. I’m sure by now you have simply written me off as a “crazy person” - aiming for the impossible. Maybe. But it’s not about never getting angry (although that would be nice). It’s more about dealing with feelings before they turn into anger. You see, I’m a “bottle-upper.” I keep calm for a lo...

I'm being tested... After typing a rather hefty post, my lovely browser decided to crash. I was not worried, because blogger claimed it did save the post. As Murphy would have it, the title and labels where intact, but the complete body: just gone. Add to this the fact that I usually type my blog posts in a word processor and then just paste when I upload, but (of course) today didn't, this would be the perfect time to grab the screen and plunge it through the nearest window. But, to quote Alanis Morissette, it is a little bit ironic (or maybe just coincidence?), because the missing post was about not getting angry. No way I can get angry now...

The 365photos started out as a fun, creative project, but now it would seem that it wants to be more. The basic rules still apply, take a pic a day, upload to Twitpic . But I am starting to feel that the photos must not just be a happy snappy, but proper photography. And seeing what people out there can do with just a cell phone, I know that I can do better. That said – pics of the cats and kid will still make the cut :) I’m also very happy to say that @Robi27 has joined the cause. She’s also tagging pics #365photos, so have a look! Now, a few of my favourites from photos I took over the past two weeks: Day27 Blue Sky  Day28 Tree Day32 Lights Day34 Innocent Hands And because a self portrait was bound to make its appearance… Day38 Self Portrait (more extreme phone effects) I also have to amend my rules a bit. When I forget (happened once so far on Day 21) then I must simply send in an extra pic the next day. I will still do blog posts about the challenge, but it will b...