Life Quest (and other stuff)

Last time I wrote about how raw I am. How painful and deep seeded my feelings regarding my weight is. If you missed it, here’s the recap: I hate my fat body. Not everyone gets it. And that is okay. However, if you are going to continue reading my blog, be warned that I will try to enlighten you. There is some that reads my words and think: “what a whiny bitch.” (This blog is not for you.) There is some who wants to jump in and be helpful with weight loss. (This is not about dieting.) There is some who reminds me of how lucky I am to even have a body. (You are right, but knowledge does not magically change how one feels.) There is some who questions my attitude. (Let me help you there, my attitude towards my body sucks.) There is some telling me I’m not a mistake, just unique. (So why can’t boots zip up or my bum fit on a bar chair?) There is some (and I’m giving benefit of the doubt here that you really do mean it well) that simply say: if you hate it so much, change it. (S...

Okay, before we get into how unlikely it is that I will stick to these, here is my thought: If I don't try at all it is even more unlikely. So there. Having a conversation with a good friend the other day, I was reminded how insignificant we are in the grand scheme of things. Few of us will ever do anything that is remembered by anyone other than our inner circle when we move into whatever lies beyond this life. I could have taken it as "might as well go back to bed, none of what I do matter anyway," but instead I decided to  take it as "stop being so stupidly afraid of everything, my actions has little impact, so the fear, embarrassment, worry I feel about every decision and "thing" I do, has no place, coz other people very likely don't notice or don't care." That was a clumsy paragraph, but I get it. In a nutshell: barring causing deliberate pain/unhappiness to others, I am going to try to make choices that makes me happy. S...

So, without electricity I am lying on the couch, handled the emaily-things I had to handle for work and graduated to surfing the web on my phone (thank you mobile internet that you exist). Eventually I lost interest in the interesting and got back to reading a marketing book I have been reading on and off. One of the tips they give is to google yourself to make sure potential clients can find you if they search for you by name. Well I wasn't gonna be invited twice so a googling I went: suki lock.  First there was a Facebook hit and then my business contact page (well done me). There was some Twitter and articles I've written for Parent24.com. A photo or 2 I had at an exhibition and then an entry by Wordsmyth I have completely forgotten about caught my eye. Here is what it said: " Suki Lock is the nicest person I’ve never met. I love her blog because she is so committed to getting the most out of life. She’s always positive; she’s always striving to do better an...

As a copywriter I am expected to know what to say. To take the information behind a product or service and turn it into a message that is easily understandable, promotes, sells and often, is expected to be clever too. With enough insight into a product or service this can be accomplished. Yes, sometimes it can be difficult, harder work than one might think to get to text on the page, but (so far) it is always doable. It is not so easy when the words are my own. When the message is personal, my words are not only harder to find, but it is harder to let go. How do I know for sure that what I mean is what you will understand? How do I even know what I mean is what I understand? So I keep working at it, dissecting sentences in my mind, trying to find the words. The right words. Enough of that. It has been months since I blogged and even with some of that time spent trying to find the right words, I may just end up putting it off until I have no voice left. So I’m stepping away. Gettin...

I'm taking a bit of a break from 30 days of truth . I had a miscarriage this past Monday, so my mind is still mostly focused on that. I will get back to this life quest, but first I need to deal with death. I will however include 3 things to be grateful for: 1. An amazing husband. 2. Family, friends, my doctor and hospital staff for their incredible support. 3. And a beautiful, beautiful 2 year old boy.

What is 30 days of truth? My looks. Which happens to also be the one thing I find it hardest to accept a compliment for. I often get told I look pretty, or even beautiful. I say a simple "thank you," but in my heart of hearts the insecure little girl that I often still am shouts, "Lair! I'm fat, I'm ugly, I don't stand up straight!" [At least I don't stand there pointing out my flaws for an hour and a half anymore. "Thank you" is a huge improvement. Look, I even fought the urge the put - like me - in brackets after the huge ;) ] The truth, I am overweight, but it turns out that I never really was this hideous creature I took myself for, even clocking in at significantly higher than what I am now. At school I was convinced I was the fattest, so did I at college and later in the "corporate world."  Looking back I realise that my perception piled on quite a few kilograms. But still, even "knowing...

What is 30 days of truth? Someone I need to let go... No one. Everyone that I know or interact with somehow belongs in my life. They all contribute to who I am, and who I am becoming. Would it make my life easier to remove some of them from the equation? Sure, but this is a life quest. Part of that quest is to grow as a person, and having to deal with a diverse brew of people helps that growth. Someone I wish I didn't know... Angry-Hulk-Suki. I can remain calm in most situations, but I do have a temper on me. And when I snap, I snap big. Not something I'm proud of. Which is why earlier this year I made the resolution to not get angry. And, although I don't have a perfect record since them, I have managed to keep my cool more often than I would have and I have been able to keep Angry-Hulk-Suki in check. And that is something I am proud of. 3 Things to be grateful for: 1. Knowing many people who enrich my life. 2. Keeping my cool. 3. Oranges. Totally l...

What is 30 days of truth? I do wonder from time to time what happened to a friend of old. Usually this happens when I am somehow reminded of a time in my life where they were present, or I might be reminded of an event in my life where they were involved. Maybe I'm in a video shop and I see a movie title which takes me momentarily back to the first time I saw the movie and the people I was with. Then I would wonder, "what ever did happen to so and so..." But for me, that is usually where it ends. I don't even look them up on Facebook. I don't know who Anneri is, but she left an impression. I guess she really does not want to be forgotten, or maybe someone is trying hard not to forget. Cause the truth is, with today's tech at our fingertips, the excuses for not keeping in contact are getting thin. If we are not speaking/emailing/following each over on Twitter then we probably don't make sense in each other's worlds anymore. And if we ...

What is 30 days of truth? I am grateful to say that in my life there has only been one time were I felt a person really went out of their way to make me miserable. The scene: Girl meets boy, girl and boy likes each other, they date a while, girl ends the relationship, boy handles break-up with the opposite of finesse. For a couple of weeks I after my life was awful. I was taunted, sent threats and worse. He then did something really terrible and I guess he realised that the line to the dark side was well and truly crossed. I was left alone after that. This was many, many years ago. There was one other time where it is up for debate as to whether "hell" was what said party intended for me. But I'm not in the mood for debate. Then there have been moments when the actions of another made my life "hell" - or at least really bad. Usually though it was an unintentional side effect of a struggle they went through. And although not fun for me, eventually som...

What is 30 days of truth? This one is easy, but hard. I want to believe that my life would be worth living without an external factor like a "someone." Then again, I am extremely grateful that I have someone to share my life with. So, in case of a fire, hubbie and sprog would be the ones I grab first. The rest of you will have to be alphabetically :) 3 Things to be grateful for: 1. Hubbie 2. Sprog 3. Sprog that's on the way

What is 30 days of truth? Take someone's life. I never want to have to do that. 3 things to be grateful for: 1. Being able to be in the position to take part in the shoebox Christmas project, supplying presents to those who otherwise won't be getting anything for Christmas. 2. Not receiving a shoebox for Christmas, because I have family and friends that can afford to give me something. 3. Family and friends.

What is 30 days of truth? The list is long. Very, very long. But since I've just been to Tina's concert ( mentioned in day 4 ), I'm going go with music. I want to record a CD. And I want to do it myself. Maybe I'll get some help from my 2 year old... I play piano and clarinet and can bang a drum a bit and know at least three chords on the guitar, so with a little more practice (hubbie gave me a bass guitar last Christmas) I can cover the musical elements. (I'm not saying it's gonna be the best CD ever, just mine.) I've been writing songs since I was a teenager, but would actually like to compose a new body of work for this album. The dining room is now a music room (never had a table anyway) with microphones, midi drums, guitars (electric, acoustic and bass), keyboard and even, I kid you not, a tambourine. Everything is hooked up to the sound board and (admittedly not great) amp, so now I (read: hubbie) just have to add my computer and I can s...

What is 30 days of truth? Once again a tricky one... Once again not something I really prescribe to. I tend to forgive pretty easily. Cross me and my temper can flare up to super nova proportions in a matter of seconds (hence the August resolution of keeping cool, and that is going pretty darn well, even if I say so myself). But in an equally short time I'm usually over it. You say sorry, I say it's cool. We go on. Sometimes it means we go are separate ways since we cannot agree on the final outcome, but we go on. The problem is, I do not do so well with the second part of the well known saying. You know the one I'm talking about. Forgive AND forget. I am much more of a once bitten always shy kinda girl. I don't easily forget. Even when I truly accept your apology, I probably won't forget. Just to be clear, I'm not talking about things like stealing my parking spot or forgetting to record my favourite TV show. That I can put from my mind without s...

What is 30 days of truth?   Sitting here with my legs pulled up onto the chair, I have been mentally going through the (too long) list of "bad-things" I have done in my life. There are many things I would not do again if given the choice (e.g. not studing for matric finals). There are those things that I still feel guilty about (not regularly drinking my thyroid meds during my first pregnancy, turns out it could have had an influence on baby-development ). I really should have studied! Even though there are many things I still struggle with, I cannot think of a single thing that I haven't forgiven myself for. I've never really operated in the realm of needing forgiveness from myself. Others: yes, myself: no. But maybe there is something I should not forgive myself for. Something I should keep pushing for until I do something about it. And I think that is what I am trying to do, I just haven't found the words. Not yet. 3 things to be grateful for: ...

What is 30 days of truth? I love that I can get excited about the most ridiculous things. I can lie on my tummy and watch an ant, I can make a huge mess while baking, because I'm enjoying the feel of the flour on my hands. I am a sucker for funfairs and candyfloss and the circus. Ant! And what is even better? I now have a two year old boy that gives me license to stop and look at the butterflies, mess with my hands in the sand, or jump up and down explaining just how cool the latest Thomas-trains (as my boy calls them) are. Now I'm not the crazy lady anymore. Now, by seeing the world like an enthusiastic child, I am an involved mommy. Now that's what I call win-win ;) 3 Things to be grateful for: 1. Above mentioned sprog took a nap this afternoon and gave me time to get some more work done. 2. Had a nice chat on the phone with my mom. 3. Girly TV time tonight, while hubbie is out (though I'll miss him dearly).

The year so far: January:   Being happy – more happy than not. February:   Sexy sleep wear – Well, at least the sleepwear is sexy... March:   Read squash rules – Done and playing. April:   Donate clothes   –   Done. About time for some shopping so that I can donate current wardrobe ? May:   Plant flowers – Did it. But not really doing well with other plants. June:   Figuring out “What do I want?” – First list done; will revisit. July:   365 photos challenge:   Currently on day 129 August : keeping cool (or: don’t get angry)   –Could be doing worse. September : be nice   – not too bad. October : listen, really listen   – this is harder than you might think. Now for November. Since we are getting closer to the end of yet another year, I decided to go out with a bang. I spotted the   30 days of truth   some of my blog friends is/was doing and decided to give it a go. This is quite a list and some of the que...

I created this image about 3 years ago, but tonight it says all I have to say.

And it’s July (or almost not anymore), but that’s not the point. The point is my July resolution. But first: a quick overview of the year to date. January: Being happy – mostly I am, but I have been under some form of stress lately. You know: life. February: Sexy sleep wear – will need some more to get through the cold, but I’m doing my best. March: Read squash rules – read it, playing, needed to restring hubbie’s racket after Friday’s game. Woops. April: Donate clothes - Done. May: Plant flowers – did it. AND the plant seems to still be alive. June: Figuring out “What do I want?” – That deserved a post of its own . So July, another month, another resolution. The short version: Get creative. But, as “get creative” is a bit on the vague side and vague often leads to not bothering, I tried to turn it into a task. And this is what I figured: 365 days of photos. I can’t remember from where this concept first came to my attention. It might have bee...

My June resolution was to make an attempt at figuring out what I want. I didn’t think I’ll be able to get the answer in as short a time as a month, but it was about making a start. Taking the first step. What do I want?   I want to be happy... ·          Not fight ·          Let go ·          Be myself ·          Have confidence I want my family to be happy... ·          Spend time together, do things together ·          Listen and pay attention ·          Be supportive ·          Cook well I want to feel good about myself... ·          Take care of my appearance ·          Defin...