Little box of self worth

Last time I wrote about how raw I am. How painful and deep seeded my feelings regarding my weight is. If you missed it, here’s the recap: I hate my fat body.

Not everyone gets it. And that is okay. However, if you are going to continue reading my blog, be warned that I will try to enlighten you.

• There is some that reads my words and think: “what a whiny bitch.” (This blog is not for you.)
• There is some who wants to jump in and be helpful with weight loss. (This is not about dieting.)
• There is some who reminds me of how lucky I am to even have a body. (You are right, but knowledge does not magically change how one feels.)
• There is some who questions my attitude. (Let me help you there, my attitude towards my body sucks.)
• There is some telling me I’m not a mistake, just unique. (So why can’t boots zip up or my bum fit on a bar chair?)
• There is some (and I’m giving benefit of the doubt here that you really do mean it well) that simply say: if you hate it so much, change it. (Should I even bother with a quip here…)
• Many of you come to my defence, reminding me I am loved, or talented, or beautiful. (I am not saying that I am not loved now, or not talented or even that I am not beautiful.)

I am not looking for sympathy, although kind words are appreciated. I am trying to say that if you feel like shit because of a number on the scale, you are in the same boat as I am, and it’s time we get out.

For some of us it might mean losing weight. For some of us it may mean accepting ourselves as we are (I’m so not there). For some it could be a “fuck it” attitude. There is no “one size fits all” answer; yet it is very likely that weight loss alone is not the golden ticket.

Little box of self worth

But although, to quote Taryn Brummfit “this little box that people stand on to determine their worth” isn’t and shouldn’t be the begin all and end all – you can only know the power a scale can have over you if you have really struggled with weight (too much or too little), been bullied for it, been overlooked for it, been taunted, been excluded, been laughed at, been demeaned, been hated for it.

And if you are now looking in the mirror and still feel everything that comes with those past experiences (and I do hope it is in the past), chances are that when it happened, you didn’t have people telling you are beautiful, or talented, or loved.

And you didn’t love yourself.

That is what this is about. Not loving myself. And if I can’t do it now, there are no guarantees that I will, purely by changing the number on the scale.

xxxSuki

P.S. I will be getting back Taryn Brummfit, and some very compelling things she has said on the subject.