Life Quest (and other stuff)

...and any word is better than nothing. The past few years have been hard. I know, I know, life is always hard. But the past few years have been exceptionally hard. Hard to the point that I lost my ability to share my words. Writing used to be such an easy thing for me. Much easier than talking. I would often say that "I am better on paper." And it was true too.  Initially I continued writing in a professional capacity, but at some point, even that became just too much to keep going. The curiosity needed to write with insight and depth, slowly syphoned away, until only dry cliches and empty refrains remained. As I said: hard. Hard to the point of despair. And despair, I can tell you, is a lonely place to be. I have been no stranger to depression. When diagnosed with "high functioning depression and anxiety," now almost 20 years ago, I did what I usually do when a new concept crosses my path. I learnt as much about it as I can. Depression became my obsession. And in ...

Recently I was asked by a friend why I don't write anymore. The one, simpler, answer is that I actually write a lot, but it's all paid gigs for specific publications and I have this silly little habit of when I get paid for something (as in it becomes work), I stop doing it in my free time.  Even when I like it. Or is it, especially when I like it? But my idiosyncrasies aside, the more real, much more complicated answer is... I am currently living mostly in stories that is not mine to tell. Some of them will never be mine, so they will only be written in my heart.  Some of them I have been given permission to share, but I need time to do it justice, to unpack it with the care it deserves. Some of them have now become part of my story, and it is possible that I will lay it down in words. Not speak them, although probably that too. Write them. I feel safe in written words. But do not think that I don't have stories. Being quiet does not necessarily mean I have not...

What's your "aha moment" for 2018? was the question in the air last night.  I was at a Girl Geek Dinner, behind my camera as usual (although I have decided to take a bit of a break from that), and listening to break-throughs of the year. From being okay with missing out, and even relishing in it (JOMO), to stepping into who others have seen you to be for ages, to realising your path is not someone else's path, the revelations kept coming.  Of course I couldn't hear other's thoughts on the subject without starting to delve into my own.  I suppose one of the biggest realisations I've had is that I not only can, but actually should, say no. Not all the time, not to everything, but if I don't want the same things to happen, or the same people to take advantage, I will have to be the one to step up and say: "enough already, I have my shit to deal with, you deal with yours."  A quote I recently saw that sums this up reasonably well...

So off I went this past Tuesday evening, camera in hand, as I have been doing for about a year now, whenever there is a Cape Town  Girl Geek Dinner . I came across a Facebook post last year for a Girl Geek Dinner event and everything about it appealed to me. The venue (The Atlantic Imbizo in the V&A Waterfront) has convenient parking (I can’t explain how important easy public transport OR convenient parking is to me in this post, it will end up with nothing else), the topics and speakers lined up are interesting, boundary-pushing and informative, there’s food, and there is an amazing collection of geeky girls (and a few guys) attending, whom, if not into tech, is at least not frightened by the concept of tech. So it seemed that I would be right at home*… *Just to clarify, in case you haven’t had, mmm let’s say the pleasure of, interacting with me before: I’m not good with people. I feel uncomfortable and out-of-place, always uncertain when I should or shouldn’t m...

I like to (on occasion) pretend to be a grownup and spend some time with my hubbie having a grownup evening out. Having kids do make this harder, coz now we are talking babysitters as well, but when the event is important enough plans can be made.  So when I heard that Kahn (yes, Parlotones' Kahn) will be performing at "Die Boer" in Durbanville, gears started clicking... First, I strongly hinted at my hubbie. Soon enough I outright nagged, and started looking for a babysitter in the hope that we will be going. So when he let me know that he got tickets, I was thrilled. As one does when you leave your kids in someone else's care, last night I told the young ones to "be good" (what does that mean anyway?) and had the 6 year old pipe up... "listen to the kidsitter you mean, we are NOT babies." The 10 year old just rolled his eyes, and I am unsure if it was aimed at me or the little sister.  Sporting a black dress (any colour as long as it...

I have been having a rather quiet existence lately. Not in the “I am able to keep my mouth shut” sense (like that will ever happen), but rather in the, “our iTunes home share has been acting up and I’m too lazy to go fetch and insert the CD into computer” kinda way. So my work days have been quiet. On occasion Ted Talks and YouTube can tie me over, but some projects require concentration that gets in the way of paying attention to TedX.   So, quiet it has been. Until yesterday. Yesterday I was reminded that you can listen to music on Sound Cloud. So no prizes for guessing that that is where I have been getting my musical fixes from for the past 2 days. Specifically “ The Sighs of Monsters ,” an art rock band from London. Full disclosure – I do own a CD of theirs and is related (by marriage) to 2 of the members, which is mostly why I selected them to listen to. Their music is a mix of styles – caring more about what the song needs than being placed in a (mu...

Last time I wrote about how raw I am. How painful and deep seeded my feelings regarding my weight is. If you missed it, here’s the recap: I hate my fat body. Not everyone gets it. And that is okay. However, if you are going to continue reading my blog, be warned that I will try to enlighten you. There is some that reads my words and think: “what a whiny bitch.” (This blog is not for you.) There is some who wants to jump in and be helpful with weight loss. (This is not about dieting.) There is some who reminds me of how lucky I am to even have a body. (You are right, but knowledge does not magically change how one feels.) There is some who questions my attitude. (Let me help you there, my attitude towards my body sucks.) There is some telling me I’m not a mistake, just unique. (So why can’t boots zip up or my bum fit on a bar chair?) There is some (and I’m giving benefit of the doubt here that you really do mean it well) that simply say: if you hate it so much, change it. (S...

So I was chatting with a friend the other day. At least I assume it was my friend. I was lying on my bed, trying to avoid the world (it was my birthday, so I could cry/bitch/stay in bed if I wanted to) and my friend was who knows where, doing who knows what... on a different continent. Since we were texting each other I can only say with certainty that I was part of the "conversation" and that my friend's phone was part of the "conversation." As to whom was actually using that phone is a uncertainty, but I'm sticking with my assumption. So we were chatting. About life, feelings, AI, a movie of the same name, whether we are smart... Pretty much the kinda things we usually talk about (strengthening the "it was my friend" theory). At some point for some reason, I texted: "I wish I was a brain in a jar." Friend's phone: "How do you know you are not?" Me: "Coz I wouldn't have these massive hips." BOOM ...

Lately I've been thinking a lot.  Don't look so surprised - I do think. Well, mostly I overthink, but the base is the same.  There are currently 4 things I mostly think about:  1. Artificial Intelligence   2. Are my kids gonna survive my parenting?  3. Why do I still care about my weight?  4. Depression.  I'm not gonna get into my many, many thoughts about AI just yet, and my 6 & 9 year olds have not realised my feelings of inadequacy, so I can get away with the parenting for a little longer.  But my weight and depression has become an intertwined mess that I just cannot seem to untangle.  Firstly, I am too fat. Not by the standard of artists that like plump cherubs adorning their canvasses, but by the standard of day to day life. Calf height boots don't zip up, I had a very uncomfortable time on a bar stool recently, coz my girth and its proportions were simply not compatible. I inwardly rejoiced on a recent ...

I had a little breakdown this morning. No massive drama or crawling into a corner rocking back and forth (I've been there, so it is a possible outcome). It was a simple, even silly situation that sent me into a momentary downward spiral. If you read my resolutions post of a couple of days ago, you may remember point 30: Buy a swimming costume without the "pant" part - nobody is fooled regarding my thigh size (by covering it up with stretch fabric). This seemed like a reasonable and easy spot to start and when I found myself in the shops yesterday, buying supplies to "captainize" a pony toy (that's what the other kid calls customise), I popped into MrP Sport and grabbed a cozzie. On sale it was too. This morning we went swimming. My little daughter went to get my swimming costume (she is very excited about the idea of me having a "proper" one) and handed it to me, waiting in anticipation for me to put it on. I stepped in and pulled up t...

Okay, before we get into how unlikely it is that I will stick to these, here is my thought: If I don't try at all it is even more unlikely. So there. Having a conversation with a good friend the other day, I was reminded how insignificant we are in the grand scheme of things. Few of us will ever do anything that is remembered by anyone other than our inner circle when we move into whatever lies beyond this life. I could have taken it as "might as well go back to bed, none of what I do matter anyway," but instead I decided to  take it as "stop being so stupidly afraid of everything, my actions has little impact, so the fear, embarrassment, worry I feel about every decision and "thing" I do, has no place, coz other people very likely don't notice or don't care." That was a clumsy paragraph, but I get it. In a nutshell: barring causing deliberate pain/unhappiness to others, I am going to try to make choices that makes me happy. S...

Sometimes it seems like the universe is trying to tell you something. Often, we are too "busy" with our own "stuff" to pay proper notice. Other times, we notice, but since the message doesn't fit with what we believe we want, we actively ignore it.  On occasion we are ready to listen, and I think that might be be the case for me this time.  You are most likely aware of the saying: less is more. Simple words, often applied to the design world I live in.  I hear and use this phrase relating to my job quite frequently, but now I think I am ready to persue it as a way of life.  The idea has been presented to me in multiple forms in the past few months.  A close friend packing up her life to move to a new country.  A client sharing the concept of perma-culture with me.  A weekend stargazing trip with great conversation and skies that left me in awe.  Even the awareness of the value of every drop of wate...

By a twist of fate I unexpectedly ended up at the Mumfordand sons concert last night, at the Grand Parade in Cape Town. Initially I thought that the Parade is a rather weird venue, but it turns out it is a rather lovely space. The sound was great and surrounding buildings and backdrop of the mountain made it rather special.  And finding parking was also no problem. There were also park and ride services available, but that had to be prebooked, and as I only found out on the day I was going, that wasn’t an option for me. Hearing some bad reviews regarding the cashless system that was used, I was a little nervous about queuing for drinks, but they must have sorted the trouble spots, as we had no trouble with the NFC payment system. I was a bit disappointed though that there was only beer, Redbul, soft drinks and water available. I would have loved a cider in the summer heat (beer is too bitter for me), so I settled for Coke and water. I was also surprised at the ...

A couple of days ago I posted my 100th picture in a #100happydays project.  It was a decent 100 days. Not without some sadness, but on the whole: good.  I ended with my little family - a selfie where all 4 or us was looking at the camera (where's the apple logo kids? - it was taken with my phone) and my son doesn't have his mouth open. That's pretty impressive.  But, and I know this is silly, I thought I would feel more of an accomplishment.  I mean, for a 100 days consecutively I took pictures and posted them to Facebook, Twitter and of course Instagram (where these kinda pics lives). Some was pretty, some was pretty awesome, some was pretty, well, mundane. But still, shouldn't I feel more... complete? So now I'm siting here wondering - where is the dramatic music? Where is the upswell to the climax? And then I realise - this is purely the start. 100 days, hardly a blimp, but enough to build on. To keep trying, to work towards the transformation I do long for. ...

So, without electricity I am lying on the couch, handled the emaily-things I had to handle for work and graduated to surfing the web on my phone (thank you mobile internet that you exist). Eventually I lost interest in the interesting and got back to reading a marketing book I have been reading on and off. One of the tips they give is to google yourself to make sure potential clients can find you if they search for you by name. Well I wasn't gonna be invited twice so a googling I went: suki lock.  First there was a Facebook hit and then my business contact page (well done me). There was some Twitter and articles I've written for Parent24.com. A photo or 2 I had at an exhibition and then an entry by Wordsmyth I have completely forgotten about caught my eye. Here is what it said: " Suki Lock is the nicest person I’ve never met. I love her blog because she is so committed to getting the most out of life. She’s always positive; she’s always striving to do better an...

So I found myself smack bang in the middle of a shopping centre around lunch time. Being a life quest blog, I should probably have tried to find a salad (healthy stuff ya know), but looking around my eye fell on Burger King. And then McDonalds.  I've only ordered food from Burger King once before. I think it was a week or two after they pitched their tent in Cape Town, and I braved the ridiculous queue, because my friend with me promised me BK food is sooo much better than McDonalds. I had my doubts. You see, I eat McDs, and she usually avoids it. So I didn't think she is the best judge. But, the only way I could know for sure was to try it. And, the idea of onion rings did help. I love me some onion rings. So we queued. And I got my food. And, I was not surprised. In my opinion it tasted the same as McDonalds. "Will you eat BK again?" I asked my friend. "Yes, I would," she responded. "But it tastes the same as McDs," I said. "Now it doesn...

It is a little frightening this blogging thing. Mainly because it so clearly shows that somewhere in April last year I stop doing the blogging thing. But, other things were more important, and although I hate that my 52 weeks of me ended in week 16, that simply is just life.  (By the way, I've booked a self-portrait session for myself on Monday. I'm having a mini makeover by the people I'm hoping will be my new hair/make-up partners for my glamour/boudoir photo sessions, and therefore I have to try them personally and if I'm gonna be dolled up, I'm gonna take photos. Thinking of going with a gothy theme...) I have been working hard building my business, and did a lot of studying and just plain hard slogging in 2013. Part of that included creating spaces if am proud of to practice my craft. I tossed a lot of stuff, painted, cleaned, painted, cleaned again (I'm a very messy painter) and tossed out more stuff.  Then, I found it. Two large gift bags filled with the ...

Sadly, I won't be able to use the mirror from last week's pic again...

Time of another mirror self portrait, but this time I'm doubling up. Taken with iPhone 4s, edited with Snapseed (on phone), mirroring done with an actual mirror.

Friday night, while I was trying to get some work done, I was bombarded (okay, slight exaggeration) by messages containing pics of friends with drinks in their hands. Mean, mean, mean. Well, Auke , two can play that game. Canon EOS 60D;  EF50mm;  1/64 sec;   f/1.8;   ISO 200 Cropped, levels set and sharpened (drink) in PhotoShop. What is the 52 week project about? Comment using Facebook Or use Blogger comment area below