I think your arms are too fat...
No massive drama or crawling into a corner rocking back and forth (I've been there, so it is a possible outcome). It was a simple, even silly situation that sent me into a momentary downward spiral.
If you read my resolutions post of a couple of days ago, you may remember point 30: Buy a swimming costume without the "pant" part - nobody is fooled regarding my thigh size (by covering it up with stretch fabric).
This seemed like a reasonable and easy spot to start and when I found myself in the shops yesterday, buying supplies to "captainize" a pony toy (that's what the other kid calls customise), I popped into MrP Sport and grabbed a cozzie. On sale it was too.
This morning we went swimming. My little daughter went to get my swimming costume (she is very excited about the idea of me having a "proper" one) and handed it to me, waiting in anticipation for me to put it on. I stepped in and pulled up the bottom. I navigated the first arm through the straps (it has some weird double configuration), but when it came to the second arm, my GPS failed and I my arm got entangled in what seemed to be a never-ending sea of straps...
"I think your arms are too fat," was the not-so-helpful comment from my 6 year old.
And that was it. I was in tears. "I know I'm fat; I don't want to be fat!" was my response as I plopped my fat arse on the bed with one arm still looking like it is auditioning for circus school.
A little background...
I've been struggling with my weight for as long as I can remember. I have always believed I am the fattest person in the room. Sometimes this was true, often it wasn't. After school I have lost weight to a point where Weighless classified me as underweight. But I looked in the mirror and saw a fat girl. I gained weight, lost weight, gained weight since then, but always what I see is the fat girl.
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| Fine, so I've never been anywhere near 500kg, but I am all for the dramatic. |
Right now I am fat. I weigh 105.8kg at 1.7m tall. That, my friends, is fat. But, that is also more than 2kg less than 4 weeks ago, coz yes, shortly before Christmas I decided to start caring about my body again, and with it my weight.
And maybe that is why it hit so hard today.
I KNOW, okay? I am so tired of how I look and what I weigh dominating so much of my thoughts. It's not easy for me to be thin. I love food (but hate cooking), I have an under-active thyroid and when depressed I often (always) turn to food. So to have a smaller body takes so much energy - sadly not the kind that burns calories - that part of me really wants to accept that this is it and get on with life. But I've tried that too. I've tried to say "fuck it, this is what my body is like" and stopped counting every freakin' calorie.
But then something like this morning happens... I try to put on a stupid swimming costume that fit yesterday, and the only reason it fitted is because there are lots more Xes along with the L on the label than I would like. And when I end up with my fat arse on the bed with one arm still looking like it is auditioning for circus school, that resolve ends and one clear thought fills my mind: I want to be thin.
So with one arm literally tied behind my back, I consoled a little girl who really did not mean to make me feel sad.
A few minutes later I had untangled myself, we had wiped our tears and were splashing around the pool.
"You know mommy, you really don't look fat when you have the swimming costume on."
She doesn't know how something she means so kindly hurts so deeply. Hopefully I can get my shit in order long enough that I can actually be a healthy weight and appreciate it this time, so that I don't have to feel like I do today. And I also hope that I can help her and guide her so that she never have to feel like I feel do today.
xxxSuki
