The elephant in the room I can't stop talking about.
At least I assume it was my friend. I was lying on my bed, trying to avoid the world (it was my birthday, so I could cry/bitch/stay in bed if I wanted to) and my friend was who knows where, doing who knows what... on a different continent. Since we were texting each other I can only say with certainty that I was part of the "conversation" and that my friend's phone was part of the "conversation." As to whom was actually using that phone is a uncertainty, but I'm sticking with my assumption.
So we were chatting. About life, feelings, AI, a movie of the same name, whether we are smart... Pretty much the kinda things we usually talk about (strengthening the "it was my friend" theory).
At some point for some reason, I texted: "I wish I was a brain in a jar."
Friend's phone: "How do you know you are not?"
Me: "Coz I wouldn't have these massive hips."
BOOM
There it was. The thing that I keep on bringing up in every fucking conversation, even though I promise myself I won't.
Talk about nature - I'll segue into my weight.
Talk about politics - I'll try to look interested and segue into my weight.
Talk about school/teachers/kids - I'll have a rather opinionated opinion and then, well, uhm, segue into my weight.
So yeah, I think it is kinda obvious that I have issues with my weight.
Other than the fact that I am currently fat and hating it, there are some other factors. Deep-seeded factors, and that is a big (pun intended) part of the problem.
But before giving me advice about how to lose weight (and we can even disregard that at this point, that unless you are a professional in a weight loss related field, I probably know more than you about the topic), let me give you some context.
I've been under the impression that I have been fat for 31 years. My first memory of being told that "I need to lose weight" was from a school nurse handing out vaccinations when I was 7.
I remember comments from when I was 10 when a dress was made for me as the flower girl at my sister's wedding.
In my teens I was taking part in ballet eisteddfod, and although I got really high marks, one of the adjudicators informed me that I should go on a diet.
When I was 17 I took part in a fund raiser fashion show at school and the owner of a bridal boutique complained about being given such a huge girl to work with. In the minibus on the way home I was sitting next to the door, with my head leaning against the window. While most of the other kids in the bus were happily chatting about their outfits, I was wondering whether I would die or just be hurt if I slid the door open and "fell" out.
I weighed 72kg at a height of 1.7m at the time. I had a normal BMI of 24.9 - yet I believed I was the fattest girl in school, and that no one would ever love me. A belief that caused incredible damage.
After school I did get fat. I lived on toasted sandwiches and soda and ended up at 90kg. I dropped down to 68kg for my wedding (turns out someone could love me and still does). Although I think I looked great on my wedding day, I look at photos from my honeymoon, taken days later, and I see a fat girl.
This picture was taken 6 years ago, the day of my daughter's christening. I weighed about 85kg in the picture and today, 20kg more, I wish I was as "fat as I was back then."
Yet, I remember how fat I felt that week, 6 years ago. My mom had given me money to go buy myself an outfit for the service, as a kind gesture. I spent a day walking from shop to shop, trying on clothes and crying in every fitting room. I ended up going home with nothing. And as I said - if only I could now be as fat as I was back then.
I know how to lose weight. Losing weight is a hard thing to do, but not an impossible thing.
But what does it matter if I will still see a fat girl in the mirror...
Deep-seeded.
So I keep bringing up the elephant in the room - me. And I hate it. And I want to change it. But I am fat in my head - and that is a much harder place to shed the pounds.
Until next time,
Suki
