Life Quest (and other stuff)

Last time I wrote about how raw I am. How painful and deep seeded my feelings regarding my weight is. If you missed it, here’s the recap: I hate my fat body. Not everyone gets it. And that is okay. However, if you are going to continue reading my blog, be warned that I will try to enlighten you. There is some that reads my words and think: “what a whiny bitch.” (This blog is not for you.) There is some who wants to jump in and be helpful with weight loss. (This is not about dieting.) There is some who reminds me of how lucky I am to even have a body. (You are right, but knowledge does not magically change how one feels.) There is some who questions my attitude. (Let me help you there, my attitude towards my body sucks.) There is some telling me I’m not a mistake, just unique. (So why can’t boots zip up or my bum fit on a bar chair?) There is some (and I’m giving benefit of the doubt here that you really do mean it well) that simply say: if you hate it so much, change it. (S...

So I was chatting with a friend the other day. At least I assume it was my friend. I was lying on my bed, trying to avoid the world (it was my birthday, so I could cry/bitch/stay in bed if I wanted to) and my friend was who knows where, doing who knows what... on a different continent. Since we were texting each other I can only say with certainty that I was part of the "conversation" and that my friend's phone was part of the "conversation." As to whom was actually using that phone is a uncertainty, but I'm sticking with my assumption. So we were chatting. About life, feelings, AI, a movie of the same name, whether we are smart... Pretty much the kinda things we usually talk about (strengthening the "it was my friend" theory). At some point for some reason, I texted: "I wish I was a brain in a jar." Friend's phone: "How do you know you are not?" Me: "Coz I wouldn't have these massive hips." BOOM ...

Lately I've been thinking a lot.  Don't look so surprised - I do think. Well, mostly I overthink, but the base is the same.  There are currently 4 things I mostly think about:  1. Artificial Intelligence   2. Are my kids gonna survive my parenting?  3. Why do I still care about my weight?  4. Depression.  I'm not gonna get into my many, many thoughts about AI just yet, and my 6 & 9 year olds have not realised my feelings of inadequacy, so I can get away with the parenting for a little longer.  But my weight and depression has become an intertwined mess that I just cannot seem to untangle.  Firstly, I am too fat. Not by the standard of artists that like plump cherubs adorning their canvasses, but by the standard of day to day life. Calf height boots don't zip up, I had a very uncomfortable time on a bar stool recently, coz my girth and its proportions were simply not compatible. I inwardly rejoiced on a recent ...

I had a little breakdown this morning. No massive drama or crawling into a corner rocking back and forth (I've been there, so it is a possible outcome). It was a simple, even silly situation that sent me into a momentary downward spiral. If you read my resolutions post of a couple of days ago, you may remember point 30: Buy a swimming costume without the "pant" part - nobody is fooled regarding my thigh size (by covering it up with stretch fabric). This seemed like a reasonable and easy spot to start and when I found myself in the shops yesterday, buying supplies to "captainize" a pony toy (that's what the other kid calls customise), I popped into MrP Sport and grabbed a cozzie. On sale it was too. This morning we went swimming. My little daughter went to get my swimming costume (she is very excited about the idea of me having a "proper" one) and handed it to me, waiting in anticipation for me to put it on. I stepped in and pulled up t...

What is 30 days of truth? My looks. Which happens to also be the one thing I find it hardest to accept a compliment for. I often get told I look pretty, or even beautiful. I say a simple "thank you," but in my heart of hearts the insecure little girl that I often still am shouts, "Lair! I'm fat, I'm ugly, I don't stand up straight!" [At least I don't stand there pointing out my flaws for an hour and a half anymore. "Thank you" is a huge improvement. Look, I even fought the urge the put - like me - in brackets after the huge ;) ] The truth, I am overweight, but it turns out that I never really was this hideous creature I took myself for, even clocking in at significantly higher than what I am now. At school I was convinced I was the fattest, so did I at college and later in the "corporate world."  Looking back I realise that my perception piled on quite a few kilograms. But still, even "knowing...