Life Quest (and other stuff)

What's your "aha moment" for 2018? was the question in the air last night.  I was at a Girl Geek Dinner, behind my camera as usual (although I have decided to take a bit of a break from that), and listening to break-throughs of the year. From being okay with missing out, and even relishing in it (JOMO), to stepping into who others have seen you to be for ages, to realising your path is not someone else's path, the revelations kept coming.  Of course I couldn't hear other's thoughts on the subject without starting to delve into my own.  I suppose one of the biggest realisations I've had is that I not only can, but actually should, say no. Not all the time, not to everything, but if I don't want the same things to happen, or the same people to take advantage, I will have to be the one to step up and say: "enough already, I have my shit to deal with, you deal with yours."  A quote I recently saw that sums this up reasonably well...

So off I went this past Tuesday evening, camera in hand, as I have been doing for about a year now, whenever there is a Cape Town  Girl Geek Dinner . I came across a Facebook post last year for a Girl Geek Dinner event and everything about it appealed to me. The venue (The Atlantic Imbizo in the V&A Waterfront) has convenient parking (I can’t explain how important easy public transport OR convenient parking is to me in this post, it will end up with nothing else), the topics and speakers lined up are interesting, boundary-pushing and informative, there’s food, and there is an amazing collection of geeky girls (and a few guys) attending, whom, if not into tech, is at least not frightened by the concept of tech. So it seemed that I would be right at home*… *Just to clarify, in case you haven’t had, mmm let’s say the pleasure of, interacting with me before: I’m not good with people. I feel uncomfortable and out-of-place, always uncertain when I should or shouldn’t m...

I like to (on occasion) pretend to be a grownup and spend some time with my hubbie having a grownup evening out. Having kids do make this harder, coz now we are talking babysitters as well, but when the event is important enough plans can be made.  So when I heard that Kahn (yes, Parlotones' Kahn) will be performing at "Die Boer" in Durbanville, gears started clicking... First, I strongly hinted at my hubbie. Soon enough I outright nagged, and started looking for a babysitter in the hope that we will be going. So when he let me know that he got tickets, I was thrilled. As one does when you leave your kids in someone else's care, last night I told the young ones to "be good" (what does that mean anyway?) and had the 6 year old pipe up... "listen to the kidsitter you mean, we are NOT babies." The 10 year old just rolled his eyes, and I am unsure if it was aimed at me or the little sister.  Sporting a black dress (any colour as long as it...

I have been having a rather quiet existence lately. Not in the “I am able to keep my mouth shut” sense (like that will ever happen), but rather in the, “our iTunes home share has been acting up and I’m too lazy to go fetch and insert the CD into computer” kinda way. So my work days have been quiet. On occasion Ted Talks and YouTube can tie me over, but some projects require concentration that gets in the way of paying attention to TedX.   So, quiet it has been. Until yesterday. Yesterday I was reminded that you can listen to music on Sound Cloud. So no prizes for guessing that that is where I have been getting my musical fixes from for the past 2 days. Specifically “ The Sighs of Monsters ,” an art rock band from London. Full disclosure – I do own a CD of theirs and is related (by marriage) to 2 of the members, which is mostly why I selected them to listen to. Their music is a mix of styles – caring more about what the song needs than being placed in a (mu...

Last time I wrote about how raw I am. How painful and deep seeded my feelings regarding my weight is. If you missed it, here’s the recap: I hate my fat body. Not everyone gets it. And that is okay. However, if you are going to continue reading my blog, be warned that I will try to enlighten you. There is some that reads my words and think: “what a whiny bitch.” (This blog is not for you.) There is some who wants to jump in and be helpful with weight loss. (This is not about dieting.) There is some who reminds me of how lucky I am to even have a body. (You are right, but knowledge does not magically change how one feels.) There is some who questions my attitude. (Let me help you there, my attitude towards my body sucks.) There is some telling me I’m not a mistake, just unique. (So why can’t boots zip up or my bum fit on a bar chair?) There is some (and I’m giving benefit of the doubt here that you really do mean it well) that simply say: if you hate it so much, change it. (S...

So I was chatting with a friend the other day. At least I assume it was my friend. I was lying on my bed, trying to avoid the world (it was my birthday, so I could cry/bitch/stay in bed if I wanted to) and my friend was who knows where, doing who knows what... on a different continent. Since we were texting each other I can only say with certainty that I was part of the "conversation" and that my friend's phone was part of the "conversation." As to whom was actually using that phone is a uncertainty, but I'm sticking with my assumption. So we were chatting. About life, feelings, AI, a movie of the same name, whether we are smart... Pretty much the kinda things we usually talk about (strengthening the "it was my friend" theory). At some point for some reason, I texted: "I wish I was a brain in a jar." Friend's phone: "How do you know you are not?" Me: "Coz I wouldn't have these massive hips." BOOM ...

Lately I've been thinking a lot.  Don't look so surprised - I do think. Well, mostly I overthink, but the base is the same.  There are currently 4 things I mostly think about:  1. Artificial Intelligence   2. Are my kids gonna survive my parenting?  3. Why do I still care about my weight?  4. Depression.  I'm not gonna get into my many, many thoughts about AI just yet, and my 6 & 9 year olds have not realised my feelings of inadequacy, so I can get away with the parenting for a little longer.  But my weight and depression has become an intertwined mess that I just cannot seem to untangle.  Firstly, I am too fat. Not by the standard of artists that like plump cherubs adorning their canvasses, but by the standard of day to day life. Calf height boots don't zip up, I had a very uncomfortable time on a bar stool recently, coz my girth and its proportions were simply not compatible. I inwardly rejoiced on a recent ...

I had a little breakdown this morning. No massive drama or crawling into a corner rocking back and forth (I've been there, so it is a possible outcome). It was a simple, even silly situation that sent me into a momentary downward spiral. If you read my resolutions post of a couple of days ago, you may remember point 30: Buy a swimming costume without the "pant" part - nobody is fooled regarding my thigh size (by covering it up with stretch fabric). This seemed like a reasonable and easy spot to start and when I found myself in the shops yesterday, buying supplies to "captainize" a pony toy (that's what the other kid calls customise), I popped into MrP Sport and grabbed a cozzie. On sale it was too. This morning we went swimming. My little daughter went to get my swimming costume (she is very excited about the idea of me having a "proper" one) and handed it to me, waiting in anticipation for me to put it on. I stepped in and pulled up t...

Okay, before we get into how unlikely it is that I will stick to these, here is my thought: If I don't try at all it is even more unlikely. So there. Having a conversation with a good friend the other day, I was reminded how insignificant we are in the grand scheme of things. Few of us will ever do anything that is remembered by anyone other than our inner circle when we move into whatever lies beyond this life. I could have taken it as "might as well go back to bed, none of what I do matter anyway," but instead I decided to  take it as "stop being so stupidly afraid of everything, my actions has little impact, so the fear, embarrassment, worry I feel about every decision and "thing" I do, has no place, coz other people very likely don't notice or don't care." That was a clumsy paragraph, but I get it. In a nutshell: barring causing deliberate pain/unhappiness to others, I am going to try to make choices that makes me happy. S...