Life Quest (and other stuff)

...and any word is better than nothing. The past few years have been hard. I know, I know, life is always hard. But the past few years have been exceptionally hard. Hard to the point that I lost my ability to share my words. Writing used to be such an easy thing for me. Much easier than talking. I would often say that "I am better on paper." And it was true too.  Initially I continued writing in a professional capacity, but at some point, even that became just too much to keep going. The curiosity needed to write with insight and depth, slowly syphoned away, until only dry cliches and empty refrains remained. As I said: hard. Hard to the point of despair. And despair, I can tell you, is a lonely place to be. I have been no stranger to depression. When diagnosed with "high functioning depression and anxiety," now almost 20 years ago, I did what I usually do when a new concept crosses my path. I learnt as much about it as I can. Depression became my obsession. And in ...

By a twist of fate I unexpectedly ended up at the Mumfordand sons concert last night, at the Grand Parade in Cape Town. Initially I thought that the Parade is a rather weird venue, but it turns out it is a rather lovely space. The sound was great and surrounding buildings and backdrop of the mountain made it rather special.  And finding parking was also no problem. There were also park and ride services available, but that had to be prebooked, and as I only found out on the day I was going, that wasn’t an option for me. Hearing some bad reviews regarding the cashless system that was used, I was a little nervous about queuing for drinks, but they must have sorted the trouble spots, as we had no trouble with the NFC payment system. I was a bit disappointed though that there was only beer, Redbul, soft drinks and water available. I would have loved a cider in the summer heat (beer is too bitter for me), so I settled for Coke and water. I was also surprised at the ...

A couple of days ago I posted my 100th picture in a #100happydays project.  It was a decent 100 days. Not without some sadness, but on the whole: good.  I ended with my little family - a selfie where all 4 or us was looking at the camera (where's the apple logo kids? - it was taken with my phone) and my son doesn't have his mouth open. That's pretty impressive.  But, and I know this is silly, I thought I would feel more of an accomplishment.  I mean, for a 100 days consecutively I took pictures and posted them to Facebook, Twitter and of course Instagram (where these kinda pics lives). Some was pretty, some was pretty awesome, some was pretty, well, mundane. But still, shouldn't I feel more... complete? So now I'm siting here wondering - where is the dramatic music? Where is the upswell to the climax? And then I realise - this is purely the start. 100 days, hardly a blimp, but enough to build on. To keep trying, to work towards the transformation I do long for. ...

So, almost 2 years ago now (how time flies), I started a 365photos project. The plan, to take a photo a day, for a year. (365 days in a year - get it? Okay, so this year it would be 366, go figure.) Anyway, about half way through my little project, I hit a wobbly. After my miscarriage I slowly lost interest in most hobbies etc, and eventually just stopped. Can't say I'm proud of that time, but life is life, and I'm still on this little quest after all. I even took a job I normally would not consider: Fitness coach. I know, I know, as far from designer as you can get, but this was great for me at the time. It forced me to be with people - and forget about my own troubles a bit, focussing on others. It brought me through some dark days, and I am grateful for that. I fell pregnant again, and am happy to have a little girl to show for it. I'm back to design, and mostly back to being myself (although too many days still caught in "not bothering with make up" ...

Blogging is supposed to be fun. It's supposed to be a way of expressing yourself. Possibly a way of blowing of steam, but usually I get bored about a quarter of the way through a rant post, so not great for me specifically. But most importantly - blogging should be what you need it to be . For me, blogging is a way to get my thoughts out of my head so that I can have space for the really important stuff, like remembering the lyrics to Evanescence songs and knowing all the names of the Thomas and Friends trains my son owns. So if it is my blog, with my thoughts, and there for my needs, why do I feel guilty when I don't blog? Ask my husband and he will categorise it under my (I hope charming) brokeness - along with getting buyers remorse before making a purchase and having to run to the microwave to stop it before it beeps (can't stand the beeping). Well the answer - I don't know. Probably the same reason I feel guilty for not shaving my legs ...

I'm taking a bit of a break from 30 days of truth . I had a miscarriage this past Monday, so my mind is still mostly focused on that. I will get back to this life quest, but first I need to deal with death. I will however include 3 things to be grateful for: 1. An amazing husband. 2. Family, friends, my doctor and hospital staff for their incredible support. 3. And a beautiful, beautiful 2 year old boy.

What is 30 days of truth? Take someone's life. I never want to have to do that. 3 things to be grateful for: 1. Being able to be in the position to take part in the shoebox Christmas project, supplying presents to those who otherwise won't be getting anything for Christmas. 2. Not receiving a shoebox for Christmas, because I have family and friends that can afford to give me something. 3. Family and friends.

What is 30 days of truth? The list is long. Very, very long. But since I've just been to Tina's concert ( mentioned in day 4 ), I'm going go with music. I want to record a CD. And I want to do it myself. Maybe I'll get some help from my 2 year old... I play piano and clarinet and can bang a drum a bit and know at least three chords on the guitar, so with a little more practice (hubbie gave me a bass guitar last Christmas) I can cover the musical elements. (I'm not saying it's gonna be the best CD ever, just mine.) I've been writing songs since I was a teenager, but would actually like to compose a new body of work for this album. The dining room is now a music room (never had a table anyway) with microphones, midi drums, guitars (electric, acoustic and bass), keyboard and even, I kid you not, a tambourine. Everything is hooked up to the sound board and (admittedly not great) amp, so now I (read: hubbie) just have to add my computer and I can s...

The year so far: January:   Being happy – more happy than not. February:   Sexy sleep wear – Well, at least the sleepwear is sexy... March:   Read squash rules – Done and playing. April:   Donate clothes   –   Done. About time for some shopping so that I can donate current wardrobe ? May:   Plant flowers – Did it. But not really doing well with other plants. June:   Figuring out “What do I want?” – First list done; will revisit. July:   365 photos challenge:   Currently on day 129 August : keeping cool (or: don’t get angry)   –Could be doing worse. September : be nice   – not too bad. October : listen, really listen   – this is harder than you might think. Now for November. Since we are getting closer to the end of yet another year, I decided to go out with a bang. I spotted the   30 days of truth   some of my blog friends is/was doing and decided to give it a go. This is quite a list and some of the que...

I'm being tested... After typing a rather hefty post, my lovely browser decided to crash. I was not worried, because blogger claimed it did save the post. As Murphy would have it, the title and labels where intact, but the complete body: just gone. Add to this the fact that I usually type my blog posts in a word processor and then just paste when I upload, but (of course) today didn't, this would be the perfect time to grab the screen and plunge it through the nearest window. But, to quote Alanis Morissette, it is a little bit ironic (or maybe just coincidence?), because the missing post was about not getting angry. No way I can get angry now...

This is going to be short, since the title should reveal what I needed to say. (“Still alive” is a song I was introduced to through a computer game, and I will elaborate one day, when our router is replaced and I have more than a very finicky dial-up connection.) But I will say that we going through one of those periods in life where you stop being surprised when yet another tropical fruit or piece of animal waste hits the fan. But, to quote a certain little forgetful fish, we keep on swimming, swimming, swimming… Till next time, wish me luck :)

So you decide to start a blog, you fill in your name, type in your email address and choose a password. Then it gets to one seemingly simple line: The name of your blog. You’re stumped (or at least I was). What do you call this damn thing you decided to do? You can’t leave it blank. A blog with a blank name might as well not get started. You think about what you wanna write. Everything. Nothing. Something in between? You try to be clever, insightful, funny – maybe provocative. Then, after 10 to 100 minutes of just staring at a blank line, you type: Life Quest (and other stuff). Coz let’s face it: everything is about this silly little life we live. And some other stuff.